ジャッジ・ドレッドになってみた 「街中の微妙な看板をジャッジ!」

やあ、みんな!
俺はヒーローだ。


どんなヒーローかって?
世の中のビミョーな物の白黒をハッキリジャッジしなきゃ気が済まないのさ。


ジャージ姿でジャッジする、
人呼んで「ジャージ・ドレッド」なのさ!


<もちろん、映画『ジャッジ・ドレッド』にインスパイアされたのさ!>

俺は今、街をパトロールしている。
世にはびこる、ビミョーな看板を白黒はっきりジャッジするために。
ヒーローたる物、街の平和を守るためには日々の努力が必要だ。

むむ、あの看板は何だ?


ロシアンラーメン?
ロシアなのにラーメンなのか......。


「中華料理 ロシアン」ときたか。
中華とロシア、ここは文化の交差点、イスタンブールなのか?
恨まないのがルールなのか?


どんな料理が出てくるのか、ボルシチラーメンみたいな感じだろうか。
残念ながらお店は休みだったので確かめられず。
その味に期待して、ジャッジは「マル」だ。

引き続きパトロールを続けよう。
お、またもや微妙な看板だ。


ぎ、ギロチン稼働!?
これはいかん。ギロチン、それも大型のなんて。
ヒーローとしては見過ごすことができない。


もちろんジャッジは「バツ」だ。
100円ショップで買った、「ザ・○×ボード」が火を噴くぜ。
正義は必ず勝つのさ。
おや、こんどはなんだ?


まず、なんて読むのだろう。
おそらくは「ひやし」ということなんだと思うが、「冷ン」に見えてしまうではないか。いやん、ばかん。


ヒーローを惑わすとは、ジャッジは「バツ」だ。


さあ、この看板。
カッパのイラストにもさまざまなツッコミ要素はあるが、この標語もビミョーだ。
川の底が見えるようになるのが「ゆめ」とは、夢としてはちょっと小さくないだろうか。
少年よ、大志を抱け。
でも、叶わぬ夢をみるのが必ずしもいいことではない。


よって、ジャッジは「マル」である。


む、「大木切ります!」とな。
単なる意志の発露を、わざわざ看板にせずとも、どうぞ切ってくれたまえ。
それとも高校野球の選手宣誓に類するものか。
あるいは「木が倒れるぞー」という、昔話なんかに出てくるあのセリフのようなものだろうか。


ともかく、俺も大木は切ってみたいので、ジャッジは「マル」だ。

引き続きパトロールを続けると、謎の動物を発見した。


モッくん......。
これは俺の知っているあのモッくんではない。


俺の知らない、新しいモッくんを世に知らしめてくれたので、ジャッジは「マル」である。
ヒーローなのに、おもわず矢崎滋みたいな「マル」を出してしまったが、恥ずかしがらずにパトロールを続けよう。


これは、ひとことでいうならば「カオス」だ。
お店の意図が、一切伝わってこない。
どうしたらいいのか、こちらが戸惑ってしまう。


こうまで謎が多いと、このお店に行ってみたくなってしまう。
うあ、思うつぼではないか。
まんまと乗せられてしまったので、ジャッジは「バツ」だ。

パトロールをしているうちに、日が暮れてきた。
そろそろ家路につきたい。
家に帰ったっていいじゃないか、ヒーローだってにんげんだもの。
と思っていたところ、ビミョーな看板を発見してしまった。


「美人多し 脇見運転注意」
この手の看板は全国各地で目にする。
これくらいのユーモアが日本人には適温なのだろうなあ、と思う反面、この程度で笑ってしまってなるものか、という感想も持ってしまう。


それはさておき、悲しいことに周囲に美人は見当たらなかった。
よってジャッジは「バツ」である。

今日もビミョーな物も白黒つけたぞ。
そんな満足感を胸に、明日もまた、ジャージドレッドは、パトロールに出るのであった。

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ジャッジ・ドレッドになってみた 「街中の微妙な看板をジャッジ!」

When Kelly saw the cover art for her 'All I Ever Wanted' CD, she didn't recognize herself! "It’s very colorful and they have definitely Photoshopped the crap out of me but I don’t care. haha! Whoever she is, she looks great,” Clarkson wrote on her blog at the time.

Jennifer Hudson had much fuller figure back when she released her first solo CD. But in a recent interview with Dateline, Hudson recalls feeling shocked when she glimpsed her body on the album's cover. "It was like, 'Where is the rest of me?' They photoshopped me probably to the size I'm now on that cover, but we all know I was nowhere near that. Why would you Photoshop that?"

Take a closer look at Adam's debut CD cover. Notice anything missing? Yeah, that would be his left shoulder!

Madonna's a huge fan of photoshop - this much we know. The 53-year-old singer typically uses the image altering program to smooth out her wrinkles -- as she did on this album cover. But can we talk about the odd proportions of her body? The torso-to-arm ratio is just off ... in fact, Madge's pose looks downright painful!

Britney Spears was dealing with one of the darkest times in her life when 'Circus' hit stores. The star had put on considerable weight and was dealing with various mental problems that altered her physical and emotional well being. However, looking at the album art, you could never tell! The photo is so altered it looks less like a pic and more like a painting!

We love Mariah's luscious curves. Too bad whoever Photoshopped the cover of her album 'Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel,' isn't a fan. Just check out what they did to her waist in the middle shot -- it's not human!

In real life, nothing much about Heidi Montag's body is real, so why should her album artwork be any different?! However, the artist who retouched 'Sex Ed' went a little overboard when working on Heidi's face. The reality star's eyes were moved so close together she looks a bit, well, cross-eyed.

Around the time Jessica released her 2010 holiday album, the singer had begun to take some heat for her expanding curves. Perhaps that's why whoever Photoshopped the CD cover blew out the brightness, thus hiding her rounder face and part of her body!

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35 PHOTOS
Photoshopで激しく加工に失敗した画像
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ジャッジ・ドレッドになってみた 「街中の微妙な看板をジャッジ!」

In this ad for French clothing brand Camaïeu, a model wears a cozy sweatshirt and pajama shorts without incident. (Although, what's with the blurring near her belly button?). Scroll lower and you'll notice something a wee bit weird. Photoshop fail alert! What happened to her feet?

Victoria's Secret appears to have used its airbrushing powers to give a model a lift -- literally. To demonstrate the effectiveness of the Add 2 Cups Multi-Way Bra, part of the Bombshell collection, model Candice Swanepoel leans towards the camera and shows off her enhanced cleavage. But one side of her chest looks remarkably bigger than the other, as if the "Add 2 Cups" applied to one breast only.

This American Apparel ad is a study in Photoshop gone wrong. The image, ostensibly advertising the retailer's line of lace clothes, features a blonde girl cradling a horse's head that seems to be leading to nowhere.

Some Photoshop fails are subjective. Did the editor really chop off the model's arm? Or is that pose actually physically possible? But sometimes, the photo gods send us an airbrush misstep too obvious to be debated. This latest newsletter from Alloy is definitely a case of the latter.

Our friends over at PsDisasters tipped us off to the slightly off-kilter shot in the Gucci Resort 2013 ads. The fail in question has to do with poor Joan Smalls' leg-to-hip ratio. Her torso is twisted, but there's still something a little ... off about the way her legs are positioned. Does anyone else notice that her crotch doesn't match up to her body at all? That oversized snakeskin tote isn't hiding anything either.

This Kohl's ad take waist-whittling to a whole new, er, planet. Our friends at Photoshop Disasters spotted this flop -- and boy were they right. The shape these frocks seem designed to flatter definitely doesn't look human. The woman in the white dress has some sort of inverted triangle alien body -- or is that a Ken doll-like physique?

Our friends at PsDisasters tipped us off to this one, and it's definitely one for the books. To sell their "Jackie Cardigan" on their website, J. Crew featured a model in their typical prep-meets-hip gear. It only takes about half a second to notice that chunks of the model's inner thighs have been erased. Could this be a case of Photoshop streamlining gone wrong? Or is there some photo editor out there who thinks that the ideal pair of jeans creates the illusion of cratered body parts?

Jezebel pointed out that in the advertisements for Aguilera's Royal Desire fragrance, something appears a bit off. Aguilera's wrist bends weirdly, her knee has a seemingly misplaced indentation and her face and limbs look incredibly ... chiseled.

The 38-year-old graced the latest ad campaign for Rimmel looking a little ... well, flat. Kate's wearing matte foundation in the ad, so it's understandable that she would look somewhat less shiny. But, aside from her signature wide-set eyes and a small semblance of her cheekbones, we can't seem to find the lively Kate we know and love (even without a stitch of makeup).

When Kristen Stewart (awkwardly) posed on the cover of Glamour's November issue, she too fell victim to the photoshop madness. The potentially cute photo is ruined by a strange choice to cut off half of her arm (which somehow disappears into her leg).

Not only did Ann Taylor take a few inches off of a model's waist, the brand's website accidentally revealed the "before" shot, thanks to a tech glitch. The "before" is on the left, and Ann's "improved" version is on the right.

In this jarring Ann Taylor LOFT photo of Linen Twill Shorts, the model appears to have a thumb emerge directly out of her arm, above the wrist.

In this printed ad from an Italian haircare line, the female model's legs seem to have gone missing... or perhaps the male model's biceps are so big they conceal them?

(PSD photo)

Model Angela Linvdall posed for the March cover of Vogue Mexico looking every beauty but also, very elongated. Her neck and jawline seemed to have been smoothed and stretched out or she's a modern-day Stretch Armstrong.

Bloomingdales turned a perfectly innocent model into a mutant, giving her the pointiest, most elongated elbow we've ever seen.

The leg bone is not connected to the hip bone. Period. And for more, check out a dozen or so airbrushed Angel fails.

By now, we're used to seeing models' bodies whittled down -- but how about reverse retouching? Like, making someone appear heavier than she is? That's what happened with Kamilla Wladyka who was Photoshopped to look healthier. For the cover of Healthy magazine.

And On And On. This model loves Suave's Mango Mandarin body wash so much that she hasn't realized she's an amputee.

We don't think the lady model's legs make any sense in Dolce & Gabbana's ad for light blue, although, somehow, 47 percent of you thought everything looked just peachy.

We still don't know what this was about but it seems more relevant than ever. Did Wills dye his hair just for the Hello cover shoot? Or was someone playing around with the color and contrast in everyone's favorite retouching program?

Here's an interesting spin: model Irina Shayk claims GQ Spain Photoshopped the underwear right off of her and that she never posed in the buff. She's taking the Spanish glossy to court over the pics.

"New Zealand's Next Top Model" came under fire for having a 16-year-old contestant pose topless, with only mud smeared across her naked breasts and then posted an unedited picture from the shoot online. The solution? A spray of Photoshopped steam covering up the girl's chest.

While Anne Hathaway looked stunning on British GQ's February 2010 issue, something's not quite right with her ultra-smooth armpit...

Another Ann Taylor photoshop fail...this time, they took out their airbrushing anger by amputating this poor model's arm!

We're not sure why someone would change Hilary Rhoda's already perfect and sky-high cheekbones to begin with-- but that didn't stop Numero Tokyo from engaging in this photoshop fail. The model's razor-sharp cheekbones were given a little too much tapering...yikes!

Some were shocked at Kate Middleton's frail frame in her Alexander McQueen gown on her wedding day. But a Grazia magazine retoucher decided to take it up a notch by airbrushing her already tiny waist, to look just like a life-size Barbie's instead. It seems that Grazia has tried to trick us into thinking the Duchess has the worlds smallest waist.

It's hard to even tell that this Maybelline ad features the one-and-only Christy Turlington, who is so airbrushed that she's basically unrecognizable. While the supermodel has always been known for her flawless complexion, her skin is so overly retouched that it bares more resemblance to a 3D animation than Christy herself.

CORRECTION: A previous version of this caption identified the makeup brand incorrectly.

Louis Vuitton's fall 2010 campaign featuring models Christy Turlington, Karen Elson and Natalia Vodianova is so aesthetically pleasing to look at, that it's hard to notice this photoshop mystery. But if you look closely in the mirror, you'll see a random reflexion in the mirror that doesn't match up with the actual scene going on.

Grace are as pretty as can be in this September 2011 Vogue spread. But unfortunately, Lila Grace and her poor fingers are the victims in this photoshop disaster.

Kim Kardashian has always embraced her curvy figure--but the original and untouched photo that Complex.com accidentally posted of a thinner Kim says otherwise.

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15 PHOTOS
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ジャッジ・ドレッドになってみた 「街中の微妙な看板をジャッジ!」

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19:  A model walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 Official Coverage at The Raleigh on July 19, 2012 in Miami Beach, Florida.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19:  A model walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 Official Coverage at The Raleigh on July 19, 2012 in Miami Beach, Florida.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19:  A model walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 Official Coverage at The Raleigh on July 19, 2012 in Miami Beach, Florida.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19:  A model walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 at The Raleigh on July 19, 2013 in Miami Beach, Florida.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19:  A model walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 Official Coverage at The Raleigh on July 19, 2012 in Miami Beach, Florida.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19:  A model walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 at The Raleigh on July 19, 2013 in Miami Beach, Florida.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19:  A model walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 at The Raleigh on July 19, 2013 in Miami Beach, Florida.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19:  A model walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 at The Raleigh on July 19, 2013 in Miami Beach, Florida.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19:  A model walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 Official Coverage at The Raleigh on July 19, 2012 in Miami Beach, Florida.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19:  A model walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 Official Coverage at The Raleigh on July 19, 2012 in Miami Beach, Florida.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19:  A model walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 at The Raleigh on July 19, 2013 in Miami Beach, Florida.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19:  A model walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 Official Coverage at The Raleigh on July 19, 2012 in Miami Beach, Florida.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19:  Designer Lisa Burke walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 at The Raleigh on July 19, 2013 in Miami Beach, Florida.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19: Designer Lisa Blue walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 Official Coverage at The Raleigh on July 19, 2012 in Miami Beach, Florida.

MIAMI BEACH, FL - JULY 19: Karina Smirnoff walks the runway at the Lisa Blue show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 Official Coverage at The Raleigh on July 19, 2012 in Miami Beach, Florida.

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中国のラブドール製造工場
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ジャッジ・ドレッドになってみた 「街中の微妙な看板をジャッジ!」

NINGBO, CHINA - FEBRUARY 18: Three unfinished sex dolls are stored at the Jiamei Plastic Toy Factory on February 18, 2012 in Ningbo, China. The Jiamei plastic toy company, based in the suburb of Ningbo, Zhejiang province, China, produces cheap sex dolls at an average price of 100RMB (15.80 USD), and has done so for several years. According to the company, more than 50,000 sex dolls are sold to the domestic market in Japan and Korea each year.

NINGBO, CHINA - FEBRUARY 18: Finished inflatable sex dolls are stored in a warehouse at the Jiamei plastic toy factory on February 18, 2012 in Ningbo, China. The Jiamei plastic toy company, based in the suburb of Ningbo, Zhejiang province, China, produces cheap sex dolls at an average price of 100RMB (15.80 USD), and has done so for several years. According to the company, more than 50,000 sex dolls are sold to the domestic market in Japan and Korea each year.

NINGBO, CHINA - FEBRUARY 19: Inflatable sex dolls are stored in a warehouse at the Jiamei Plastic Toy Factory on February 19, 2012 in Ningbo, China. The Jiamei plastic toy company, based in the suburb of Ningbo, Zhejiang province, China, produces cheap sex dolls at an average price of 100RMB (15.80 USD), and has done so for several years. According to the company, more than 50,000 sex dolls are sold to the domestic market in Japan and Korea each year.

NINGBO, CHINA - FEBRUARY 18: A worker paints a plastic nipple which will be attached to a sex doll on February 18, 2012 in Ningbo, China. The Jiamei plastic toy company, based in the suburb of Ningbo, Zhejiang province, China, produces cheap sex dolls at an average price of 100RMB (15.80 USD), and has done so for several years. According to the company, more than 50,000 sex dolls are sold to the domestic market in Japan and Korea each year.

NINGBO, CHINA - FEBRUARY 18: A worker manufacturers a sex doll at the Jiamei Plastic Toy Factory on February 18, 2012 in Ningbo, China. The Jiamei plastic toy company, based in the suburb of Ningbo, Zhejiang province, China, produces cheap sex dolls at an average price of 100RMB (15.80 USD), and has done so for several years. According to the company, more than 50,000 sex dolls are sold to the domestic market in Japan and Korea each year.

NINGBO, CHINA - FEBRUARY 18: A worker sews hair onto the head of sex dolls at the Jiamei Plastic Toy Factory on February 18, 2012 in Ningbo, China. The Jiamei plastic toy company, based in the suburb of Ningbo, Zhejiang province, China, produces cheap sex dolls at an average price of 100RMB (15.80 USD), and has done so for several years. According to the company, more than 50,000 sex dolls are sold to the domestic market in Japan and Korea each year.

NINGBO, CHINA - FEBRUARY 18: Unfinished parts of sex dolls are stored at Jiamei Plastic Toy Factory on February 18, 2012 in Ningbo, China. The Jiamei plastic toy company, based in the suburb of Ningbo, Zhejiang province, China, produces cheap sex dolls at an average price of 100RMB (15.80 USD), and has done so for several years. According to the company, more than 50,000 sex dolls are sold to the domestic market in Japan and Korea each year.

NINGBO, CHINA - FEBRUARY 18: Unfinished parts of sex dolls are stored at the Jiamei Plastic Toy Factory on February 18, 2012 in Ningbo, China. The Jiamei plastic toy company, based in the suburb of Ningbo, Zhejiang province, China, produces cheap sex dolls at an average price of 100RMB (15.80 USD), and has done so for several years. According to the company, more than 50,000 sex dolls are sold to the domestic market in Japan and Korea each year.

NINGBO, CHINA - FEBRUARY 18: Unfinished parts of sex dolls are stored at the Jiamei Plastic Toy Factory on February 18, 2012 in Ningbo, China. The Jiamei plastic toy company, based in the suburb of Ningbo, Zhejiang province, China, produces cheap sex dolls at an average price of 100RMB (15.80 USD), and has done so for several years. According to the company, more than 50,000 sex dolls are sold to the domestic market in Japan and Korea each year.

NINGBO, CHINA - FEBRUARY 19: Three unfinished sex dolls are stored at the Jiamei Plastic Toy Factory on February 19, 2012 in Ningbo, China. The Jiamei plastic toy company, based in the suburb of Ningbo, Zhejiang province, China, produces cheap sex dolls at an average price of 100RMB (15.80 USD), and has done so for several years. According to the company, more than 50,000 sex dolls are sold to the domestic market in Japan and Korea each year.

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12 PHOTOS
美容整形でお直しをしたセレブ
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ジャッジ・ドレッドになってみた 「街中の微妙な看板をジャッジ!」

LOS ANGELES, CA - JANUARY 10:  Actress Roseanne Barr attends a signing for her book "Roseannearchy" at Barnes & Noble Booksellers at The Grove on January 10, 2011 in Los Angeles, California.

NEW YORK - JUNE 13:  Melanie Griffith attends the 64th Annual Tony Awards at Radio City Music Hall on June 13, 2010 in New York City.

Television personality Vienna Girardi attends the BellaStyle Garden Event on August 27, 2010 in Los Angeles, California.

BellaStyle Garden Event

Los Angeles, CA United States

CULVER CITY, CA - APRIL 17:  Actress Patricia Heaton arrive at the 8th Annual TV Land Awards at Sony Studios on April 17, 2010 in Culver City, California.

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA - FEBRUARY 26:  TV personality Kelly Ripa arrives at the 2012 Vanity Fair Oscar Party hosted by Graydon Carter at Sunset Tower on February 26, 2012 in West Hollywood, California.

NEW YORK - JUNE 07:  Dolly Parton attends the 63rd Annual Tony Awards at Radio City Music Hall on June 7, 2009 in New York City.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - FEBRUARY 24:  Actor/director George Clooney arrives at the Oscars at Hollywood & Highland Center on February 24, 2013 in Hollywood, California.

CHICAGO - AUGUST 21: Adrianne Curry attends Wizard World Chicago Comic Con at the Donald E. Stephens Convention Center on August 21, 2010 in Chicago, Illinois.

LOS ANGELES, CA - JUNE 08: Heidi Montag arrives at the "A Time For Heroes" Celebrity Carnival at the Wadsworth Theater grounds on June 8, 2008 in Los Angeles, California.

NEW YORK, NY - MAY 10:  Howard Stern attends the "America's Got Talent" Press Conference at New York Friars Club on May 10, 2012 in New York City.

LONDON - SEPTEMBER 02:  Actress and Comedien Joan Rivers takes part in a photocall for her new play 'A Work in Progress by a Life in Progress' at the Leicester Square Theatre on September 2, 2008 in London, England.

LOS ANGELES, CA - DECEMBER 03:  Kathy Griffin arrives at The GRAMMY Nominations Concert Live!! held at the Nokia Theatre on December 3, 2008 in Los Angeles, California.

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