ジャッジ・ドレッドになってみた 「街中の微妙な看板をジャッジ!」パート2

やあ、みんな!
俺はヒーローだ。
どんなヒーローかって?
世の中のビミョーな物の白黒をハッキリジャッジしなきゃ気が済まないヒーローなのさ。
ジャージ姿でジャッジする、
人呼んで「ジャージ・ドレッド」なのさ!


<もちろん、映画『ジャッジ・ドレッド』にインスパイアされたのさ!>


俺は今、街をパトロールしている。
世にはびこる、ビミョーな看板を白黒はっきりジャッジするために。
ヒーローたる物、街の平和を守るためには日々の努力が必要だ。

むむ、あの看板は何だ?


レストランの看板のようだが、紅蓮の炎が立ち上っているぞ。
大丈夫なんだろうか。


シェフ楽しそー。
これは大丈夫だな。
だってこんなに楽しそうなんだもん。
よって、ジャッジは「マル」だ。
これからもがんばれよ、シェフ。


また看板が見えてきたぞ。


これは道の駅のキャラクターらしいが、そのインフォメーションが見当たらない。
調べてみると、「ムクデとオカツ」というらしい。
街に古くから伝わる伝統をキャラクター化したものだそうだが、これ、ギリギリアウトなんじゃないだろうか。


ギリギリアウトなラインに果敢に挑んだその心意気に、ジャッジは「マル」だ。

次はこの看板だ。


この動物はなんだろう。
ネズミのようでいて、それにしては体がでかくて熊のようにも見える。
ドライアイスだからシロクマなんだろうか。
いずれにしても、デッサンが狂ってるわな。


謎が謎を呼ぶこのUMAに、ジャッジは「バツ」だ。
働き者なのに申し訳ないが。
そして次はこの看板だ。


見過ごしてしまいそうだが、「マルタのり」。
俺の知ってるマルタのりは、職人が山で切り倒した丸太に乗って川を下るやつだぞ。
かなりテクニカルな技術だぞ。
それをさらっと名乗ってしまうとは、ヒーローとして許せん。
よって、ジャッジは「バツ」だ。


さらにパトロールを続けよう。


うむ、井上家順路。


またしても、井上家順路。
いかんいかん、どうしても井上順さんを思い出してしまう。
ヒーローがそんなことでどうする。


よって、ジャッジは「バツ」だ。
「お世話になりました」なんて歌っている場合ではない。


これは畳店の看板だな。
田が3つでタタミ。
うまいこと言ってるのか言ってないのか、ビミョーだな。

ビミョーだけど、この店は何十年もこの看板でやっているにちがいない。
継続は力なり。よってジャッジは「マル」だ。


つづいて見えてきたあれは何だ?


スナックきんどん......。
1970年代を感じさせる佇まいの店舗からして、『欽ドン!』のオマージュだろうか。
でもきっと、店主はそんなこともう忘れちゃってるのではないだろうか。


ちょっと入ってみたいが、とても入りにくい雰囲気なのでジャッジは「バツ」である。


飲酒運転はよくない。
ヒーローもそう思うが、このポスターはどうだろうか。
女性の表情がなんとも......。

と、思っていたところ、こんな看板を見つけた。


見つけた場所も時期もまったく違うのに、なぜか似ている。
ひょっとして、家族?
他人のそら似にだとしたら気持ち悪いので、ジャッジはバツだ。


そろそろパトロールをやめて家路につこうと思ったところ、こいつに出くわした。


だれだお前。
アンなのか?
赤毛で有名な、アンなのか?
なんか小鳥飛んでるし。


謎の少女に翻弄されてしまったが、インパクトは大きいのでジャッジは「マル」である。

さて、今日もビミョーな看板に白黒つけたぞ。
世の中に平和が戻るまで、ジャージドレッドは、パトロールを続けるのであった。
では、いつかまたあえる日まで、あばよ!


■関連リンク
『ジャッジ・ドレッド』になってビミョーな食べものをジャッジする!
『ジャッジ・ドレッド』になって微妙な動物をジャッジする!
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ジャッジ・ドレッドになってみた 「街中の微妙な看板をジャッジ!」パート2

In this ad for French clothing brand Camaïeu, a model wears a cozy sweatshirt and pajama shorts without incident. (Although, what's with the blurring near her belly button?). Scroll lower and you'll notice something a wee bit weird. Photoshop fail alert! What happened to her feet?

Victoria's Secret appears to have used its airbrushing powers to give a model a lift -- literally. To demonstrate the effectiveness of the Add 2 Cups Multi-Way Bra, part of the Bombshell collection, model Candice Swanepoel leans towards the camera and shows off her enhanced cleavage. But one side of her chest looks remarkably bigger than the other, as if the "Add 2 Cups" applied to one breast only.

This American Apparel ad is a study in Photoshop gone wrong. The image, ostensibly advertising the retailer's line of lace clothes, features a blonde girl cradling a horse's head that seems to be leading to nowhere.

Some Photoshop fails are subjective. Did the editor really chop off the model's arm? Or is that pose actually physically possible? But sometimes, the photo gods send us an airbrush misstep too obvious to be debated. This latest newsletter from Alloy is definitely a case of the latter.

Our friends over at PsDisasters tipped us off to the slightly off-kilter shot in the Gucci Resort 2013 ads. The fail in question has to do with poor Joan Smalls' leg-to-hip ratio. Her torso is twisted, but there's still something a little ... off about the way her legs are positioned. Does anyone else notice that her crotch doesn't match up to her body at all? That oversized snakeskin tote isn't hiding anything either.

This Kohl's ad take waist-whittling to a whole new, er, planet. Our friends at Photoshop Disasters spotted this flop -- and boy were they right. The shape these frocks seem designed to flatter definitely doesn't look human. The woman in the white dress has some sort of inverted triangle alien body -- or is that a Ken doll-like physique?

Our friends at PsDisasters tipped us off to this one, and it's definitely one for the books. To sell their "Jackie Cardigan" on their website, J. Crew featured a model in their typical prep-meets-hip gear. It only takes about half a second to notice that chunks of the model's inner thighs have been erased. Could this be a case of Photoshop streamlining gone wrong? Or is there some photo editor out there who thinks that the ideal pair of jeans creates the illusion of cratered body parts?

Jezebel pointed out that in the advertisements for Aguilera's Royal Desire fragrance, something appears a bit off. Aguilera's wrist bends weirdly, her knee has a seemingly misplaced indentation and her face and limbs look incredibly ... chiseled.

The 38-year-old graced the latest ad campaign for Rimmel looking a little ... well, flat. Kate's wearing matte foundation in the ad, so it's understandable that she would look somewhat less shiny. But, aside from her signature wide-set eyes and a small semblance of her cheekbones, we can't seem to find the lively Kate we know and love (even without a stitch of makeup).

When Kristen Stewart (awkwardly) posed on the cover of Glamour's November issue, she too fell victim to the photoshop madness. The potentially cute photo is ruined by a strange choice to cut off half of her arm (which somehow disappears into her leg).

Not only did Ann Taylor take a few inches off of a model's waist, the brand's website accidentally revealed the "before" shot, thanks to a tech glitch. The "before" is on the left, and Ann's "improved" version is on the right.

In this jarring Ann Taylor LOFT photo of Linen Twill Shorts, the model appears to have a thumb emerge directly out of her arm, above the wrist.

In this printed ad from an Italian haircare line, the female model's legs seem to have gone missing... or perhaps the male model's biceps are so big they conceal them?

(PSD photo)

Model Angela Linvdall posed for the March cover of Vogue Mexico looking every beauty but also, very elongated. Her neck and jawline seemed to have been smoothed and stretched out or she's a modern-day Stretch Armstrong.

Bloomingdales turned a perfectly innocent model into a mutant, giving her the pointiest, most elongated elbow we've ever seen.

The leg bone is not connected to the hip bone. Period. And for more, check out a dozen or so airbrushed Angel fails.

By now, we're used to seeing models' bodies whittled down -- but how about reverse retouching? Like, making someone appear heavier than she is? That's what happened with Kamilla Wladyka who was Photoshopped to look healthier. For the cover of Healthy magazine.

And On And On. This model loves Suave's Mango Mandarin body wash so much that she hasn't realized she's an amputee.

We don't think the lady model's legs make any sense in Dolce & Gabbana's ad for light blue, although, somehow, 47 percent of you thought everything looked just peachy.

We still don't know what this was about but it seems more relevant than ever. Did Wills dye his hair just for the Hello cover shoot? Or was someone playing around with the color and contrast in everyone's favorite retouching program?

Here's an interesting spin: model Irina Shayk claims GQ Spain Photoshopped the underwear right off of her and that she never posed in the buff. She's taking the Spanish glossy to court over the pics.

"New Zealand's Next Top Model" came under fire for having a 16-year-old contestant pose topless, with only mud smeared across her naked breasts and then posted an unedited picture from the shoot online. The solution? A spray of Photoshopped steam covering up the girl's chest.

While Anne Hathaway looked stunning on British GQ's February 2010 issue, something's not quite right with her ultra-smooth armpit...

Another Ann Taylor photoshop fail...this time, they took out their airbrushing anger by amputating this poor model's arm!

We're not sure why someone would change Hilary Rhoda's already perfect and sky-high cheekbones to begin with-- but that didn't stop Numero Tokyo from engaging in this photoshop fail. The model's razor-sharp cheekbones were given a little too much tapering...yikes!

Some were shocked at Kate Middleton's frail frame in her Alexander McQueen gown on her wedding day. But a Grazia magazine retoucher decided to take it up a notch by airbrushing her already tiny waist, to look just like a life-size Barbie's instead. It seems that Grazia has tried to trick us into thinking the Duchess has the worlds smallest waist.

It's hard to even tell that this Maybelline ad features the one-and-only Christy Turlington, who is so airbrushed that she's basically unrecognizable. While the supermodel has always been known for her flawless complexion, her skin is so overly retouched that it bares more resemblance to a 3D animation than Christy herself.

CORRECTION: A previous version of this caption identified the makeup brand incorrectly.

Louis Vuitton's fall 2010 campaign featuring models Christy Turlington, Karen Elson and Natalia Vodianova is so aesthetically pleasing to look at, that it's hard to notice this photoshop mystery. But if you look closely in the mirror, you'll see a random reflexion in the mirror that doesn't match up with the actual scene going on.

Grace are as pretty as can be in this September 2011 Vogue spread. But unfortunately, Lila Grace and her poor fingers are the victims in this photoshop disaster.

Kim Kardashian has always embraced her curvy figure--but the original and untouched photo that Complex.com accidentally posted of a thinner Kim says otherwise.

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ジャッジ・ドレッドになってみた 「街中の微妙な看板をジャッジ!」パート2

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  Lady Gaga walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 16:  A model walks the runway at the Philip Treacy Spring Summer 2013 fashion show during London Fashion Week on September 16, 2012 in London, United Kingdom.

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ジャッジ・ドレッドになってみた 「街中の微妙な看板をジャッジ!」パート2

Katy Perry showed up at the 55th Annual Grammy Awards on Feb. 10 with a boob window so wide, even Ellen couldn't help but gawk.

Kelly Rowland defied all logic when she showed up to the Grammys in a dress that had more slits than fabric, yet still managed to look hottt and avoid any nip slips (or worse!)

Leave it to J.Lo to channel Angelina Jolie -- and one-up her. Lopez's high slit dress had us worried we might get an unwanted sneak peek at her hoo-ha, but the lady is clearly a pro and she pulled off walking around in that thing like it's nobody's business.

RiRi's dress at the Grammys was supposedly on point with CBS' requests, but up close you could totally see her nipples. Accident? When Rihanna is involved, we think not.

"Les Mis" actress Samantha Barks had a pretty inventive way of showing off her tatas at the Elle Style Awards Feb. 11, with this square-ish peek-a-boo window.

The "Twilight" beauty attended the amfAR New York Gala on Feb. 6 showing an odd bit of skin that revealed much without revealing anything at all.

Keys' Grammy performance with Maroon 5 was electrifying, but we couldn't help feeling uneasy during the show for fear her underboob would go into full "boob exposure" mode.

The gorgeous lady is a repeat offender and even when she wasn't onstage, she walked the red carpet in a dress that was somewhere between elegant and S&M.

Did we say repeat offender? Yeah, we meant it. At the 2012 MTV European Music Awards the singer bared her toned, beautacious bod in an unusual way.

Remember when supermodel Anja Rubik put her hip bones on display at the 2012 Met Gala? Her obscenely high leg slit almost made us forget she's got one across her chest, too.

The breakout star of "Girls" was a guest on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" and made it quite difficult for the host to concentrate with her strategic slit.

Cyrus attended Clive Davis' Pre-Grammy Gala Feb. 9 and opted for a dress a bit too small on top... Unless she was going for massive sideboob, in which case, good going Miley!

The actress is also a repeat offender, seen here baring her back during Fashion Week in New York City.

Hmm... Not her best look yet? Greene went bandeau to the CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund Awards and let her toned abs steal the spotlight.

We expect nothing less from the Gaga, who showed up to the "Lady Gaga x Terry Richardson" book launch party wearing her underwear. Oh, and this thin, see-through lace bit, but who's even looking at that?

Another puzzling boob window at the Elle Style Awards, this time courtesy of Britain's Gemma Cairney.

Arterton presented at the BAFTAs on Feb. 10 and played a sort of guessing game with us -- is she, or isn't she showing?!

The "Glee" star attended the Golden Globes with a dress that would make the rest of us stand with our hands on our hips the whole night, for fear our love handles will come bursting through.

Ditto the fashionista, who walked the red carpet at the Grammys in a cutouts clearly meant to show off her newly rocking physique.

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XXX attends the after party following the World Premiere of "Resident Evil: Afterlife", at the MLB Cafe Tokyo on September 2, 2010 in Tokyo, Japan.

attends the Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Spring 2011 Official Coverage at Lincoln Center on September 11, 2010 in New York City.

attend the world exclusive premiere of "The Three Musketeers" in 3D at Vue Westfield on October 4, 2011 in London, England.

xxx walks on the green carpet during the Tokyo International Film Festival Opening Ceremony at Roppongi Hills on October 22, 2011 in Tokyo, Japan.

xxx walks on the green carpet during the Tokyo International Film Festival Opening Ceremony at Roppongi Hills on October 22, 2011 in Tokyo, Japan.

<> at Visionnaire Design Gallery on October 27, 2011 in Milan, Italy.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - FEBRUARY 26: Actress Milla Jovovich arrives at the 84th Annual Academy Awards held at the Hollywood & Highland Center on February 26, 2012 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

HOLLYWOOD, CA - FEBRUARY 26: Actress Milla Jovovich arrives at the 84th Annual Academy Awards held at the Hollywood & Highland Center on February 26, 2012 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

HOLLYWOOD, CA - FEBRUARY 26: Actress Milla Jovovich arrives at the 84th Annual Academy Awards held at the Hollywood & Highland Center on February 26, 2012 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic)

LOS ANGELES, CA - MARCH 03: Director Paul Anderson and actress Milla Jovovich with daughter Ever attend the world premiere of the GapKids + DVF Collection at Gap In Los Angeles The Grove on March 3, 2012 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by John Sciulli/WireImage)

CANNES, FRANCE - MAY 23: Actress Milla Jovovich attends the "On The Road" Premiere during the 65th Annual Cannes Film Festival at Palais des Festivals on May 23, 2012 in Cannes, France. (Photo by Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty Images)

<> on December 14, 2010 in Los Angeles, California.

attend the "The Exodus - Burnt By The Sun" Premiere at the Palais des Festivals during the 63rd Annual Cannes Film Festival on May 22, 2010 in Cannes, France.

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